Before we begin I’d like to discuss the 800 pound juicehead-gorilla in the room: Steve Job’s death. I didn’t know Steve Jobs and I don’t use a Mac laptop. I do, though, put an 8GB black i-pod to daily use. It was given to me by my father Easter weekend 2007 and everyday since then I’ve used it for at least some period of time. And I’m obviously excluding the weekend I left it in a friend’s apartment and that month I thought it was lost only to later find it under a couch. This tiny black marvel has borne my impatient and constant shuffling, my sweat, and my love for Widespread Panic. It’s fallen on the ground, felt the weight of my ass on countless occasions, and was even dropped in the toilet; it’s a weathered soldier. Naturally it can no longer hold a charge longer than an hour and the menu button is unresponsive, but it still works dammit. Thanks for everything, Steve.
- “Crazy pants! You’re crazy pants!” Snooki on how Situation’s crazy pants for continually perpetuating the rumor that she felated him. I still believe Sitch on this one. Most girls I know would definitely come up with harsher words than “crazy pants” if a dude kept saying she felated him. Maybe Snooki’s cavalier attitude toward oral sex derives from the sexually charged atmosphere of club life, but I doubt it. She probably felt that she just needed to say something and “crazy pants” was the fastest way to feign indignation.
- “I’m tired of being Mr. Nice.” The Situation. I wish he’d said “Mr. Nice Guy” instead so I could reference the song below. “He classy, Big Will just get another 20 mil, walk right past E.” Burn.
- “I’m so tired right now you crazy whore.” JWoww to Snooki on the way to their early breakfast. I’m pretty sure Jwoww stole that line from Eliot Spitzer who was known to say that to every escort he slept with. He thought it was funny for some reason.
- So the dude who banged Snooki’s friend Ryder, which caused Snooki to become aroused and felate Mike, is nick-named “Unit.” Unit seems like a creep. Not like JWoww’s friends J420 and Joey Yanks.
- “People who love one another don’t do that.” Sam on why it would be messed up for Situation to call Jionni and spread his Snook Gave Me A Beejer gospel. But Sam, do you know who does do that? People who are paid to be on a TV show geared around sexual conflict.
- This has nothing to do with anything, but the stupidity (on all levels – JS producers, Snooki, JWoww) Snooki buying a giant bottle of wine that you knew was going to break may have been the single most depressing moments of my life.
- So the guys are going to Sicily. It would be pretty cool if one of them got married, his wife accidentally died in a car explosion that was intended for him (you got to think that a lot of Sicilians are going to try kill them just to simplify things), and then went back to Florence and never mentioned it.
- Snooki throwing the champagne bottle was genuinely cool. I don’t watch any other reality shows, but I heard there’s a decent amount of people throwing glasses of wine on people. That’s child’s play. That champagne bottle could have hurt Situation or someone else. I guess that makes JS the realest of the reality shows because they keep it so real with throwing of champagne bottles and what not. And of course, the best part of the fight was Ronnie sitting down to eat no less than two seconds after Snooki stopped screaming and shouting.
- “We’re gonna drink some wine, get some drunk. It’s gonna be fun.” Deena on the girl’s trip to Tuscany. That quote’s worth mentioning only because it’s pretty clear that she originally wanted to mention eating “good food” or something, but had to back track and gargle out “get some drunk.” She knew she wouldn’t be eating.
- “Seeing Sicily for the first time, it looks like Jurassic Park.” Vinny. Michael Crichton just rolled over in his grave. And Richard Attenborough would have too if he wasn’t actually alive.
- “He’s going to be so beyond humiliated for the simple fact that his girlfriend after two hours of getting in a fight hooked up with Vinny.” JWoww to Snooki. And it was on TV!
- “I can tell you this. He did change his Facebook to single.” Mr. Snooki on Jionni changing his Facebook relationship status to single. God kill me if I ever have to hear about an ex changing a relationship status from a parent. But there’s two absolute ways to avoid this. One, don’t utilize the relationship status option on Facebook. It’s stupid and weird. Two, don’t allow your parents to be on Facebook. Nobody needs to be on Facebook much less fifty year olds. What are they going to talk about? “Had a great day golfing.” “Damn! College is expensive!” or “Personally I prefer Ciallis to Viagra.!” Nah, nobody needs that.
- “Tell Vinny when I see him he’s dead!” Jionni on the phone to Snooki. Vinny doesn’t need to worry about Jionni now that he’s reconnected with his Sicilian relatives. Jionni’s going to end up in some dumpster behind a Stuckey’s in western Pennsylvania.
- “I’ll give you another chance.” Jionni to Snooki. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard.
- “My dick was cuddling with your vagina.” Vinny to Snooki. That’s a pretty cool line. I’m totally going to use that when I lose my virginity.
I wonder what Steve Jobs would have thought of this episode? Do you think he would have been disgusted by Sitch’s behavior? Would he have been annoyed with the girls behavior at the wineries? Would he have sided with Jionni? Well, I guess we’ll never know.