Spoiler Alert! The author of this post decided tonight was the night he’d bare his soul to the world. And by soul I mean the shame and regret of not going with his mother on a Sound of Music Tour in 1998.
- “I can’t lay here.” Snooki as she got up from bed the morning after Jionni left. As she got up they had to once again blur out her underwear/kookha. That’s called symbolism, man. The flashed underwear was why Jionni left in the first place. And speaking of Jionni, he may have left Florence, but I like to imagine that he didn’t just leave Italy and waste the trip. I hope he’s hitting every major tourist attraction Italy has to offer. He could take an 80 dollar gondola ride in Venice, check out all the cats in the Colosseum, and see if an Olive Garden in Italy lives up to Jersey’s high standards. Shit, maybe he could even get a Eurail pass and head up to Austria and do The Sound of Music tour. The hills are alive with the sound of guido…How do you solve a problem like a Snooki…Ed Hardy discounts and implants on women/Crappy house music and STD Livin’/GNC Packages tied up with strings/ These are a few of my favorite things!
- “Put the music a little louder.” Snooki while drinking and dancing in a bar by herself. She wore boots that looked like a pair of Albino Pekingese.
- “That’s not right! If he knew that this was gonna happen he should have fucking not came!” Mr. Snooki (Snooki’s Dad) on why it was wrong for Jionni to leave. Mr. S seems more upset at Jionni’s shitty logic than with him actually leaving his daughter alone and miserable. The logic being that Jionni knew what Snooki was like (i.e. crazy drunken reality star with no regard for human life) and therefore should not expect anything different from her while visiting.
- “I took a train to Rome.” Jionni on the phone to Snooki. Yes! My plan is working. Let’s hope he makes it to Salzburg for that SOM tour. And if you’re wondering why I keep talking about that dumb tour just know that when I was in 7th grade I took a trip to Germany and Austria with my mother. I was a young man in the midst of puberty and had no time for a Sound Of Music tour. I thought I was too cool, too tough and I’ve regretted it every single day since. I know a lot of y’all look to me as a role model and I hate to take that away from anyone, but I fell that I must by quoting Mickey Mantle. He said this at a press conference right after his liver transplant and it sums up how I feel about skipping that Sound of Music tour. “This is a role model. Don’t be like me.”
- “He’s at the train station.” JWoww. Damnit, Jionni. He didn’t even leave yet. Maybe he’ll see her dumb sun glasses and ridiculous boots, realize he’s been dating a midget and jump Anna Karenina style in front of a train.
- “I called my family up flipping out so they booked me a new flight.” Jionni. Their son’s publicly embarrassing them on television and they have to pay for the flight? That doesn’t seem right. Either Jionni, MTV, or Snooki should pay for that flight.
- “That’s the best day of my life on top of the bed.” Pauly D on Vinny putting all of Deena’s belongings on top of her bed. Again with the “best day of my life” nonsense. I’m starting to thing there’s some sort of company called Best Day Of My Life that’s giving Pauly 1000 dollars every time he says their name on TV. I mean, that’s like the fourth time he’s declared “best day of my life” for something completely inconsequential. And the fact that we know that the show is edited makes it even worse. He must have said at least 100 times thus far just to get those four on air. And if Best Day Of My Life is a product, what would it be? A day after pill marketed to men would make sense as this show’s geared toward the young and foolish. It could be a pill that guys carry around in their wallets instead of condoms. Imagine the commercial: A dude (possibly Pauly because save Situation he’d be the ideal spokesperson) wakes up naked to a young woman, he asks her if she wants a glass of water, she’s hung over and says “yes,” Pauly slyly slips the Best Day Of My Life pill into her glass, he winks at the camera as the pill dissolves, he watches her drink it, says, “I’ve gotta bounce, yo.”, walks out into the street, holds his hands triumphantly in the air, and yells, “Best Day Of My Life!” I’d buy that product and so would you.
- “Oooh! He put his penis on me!” Deena after Vinny jumped out of the shower and attacked her. I think that’s way, way worse than what David from Real World LA did to Kenny Anderson’s future ex-wife. Obviously, Deena took it much better, but still. Actually, upon viewing the video below I’ve decided to retract my earlier statement about Vinny being “way, way worse.” That whole “no means no” thing is all starting to make sense.
- “My parents are going to be soo mad.” A sobbing Deena in regards to her possible unwanted pregnancy. They presumably watched Season 3 and have met Deena so I doubt that it would be remotely unexpected.
- “I’m not ready for a kid.” Deena on not being ready for a child. And she never will be.
- “What do you mean you’re not being yourself? You’re drunk 7 days a week, you’re hooking up with girls, and you’re dancing in your underwear.” Jionni to Snooki. That’s the most accurate quote I’ve ever heard a JS person make about another JS character.
- “She doesn’t deserve this.” Sammi on how Snooki doesn’t deserve this shabby treatment from Jionni. She totally deserves this.
- “He’s trying to change her.” Deena on how Jionni shouldn’t be trying to change Snooki. She needs to be changed.
- “This is the best day of my life right here.” Pauly on their plan to bring Karma (the club in Jersey) to the living room in Florence. That’s 3 “best day of my life” appearances in this episode.
- “I love you. I do.” The Situation to Snooki. This should work out.
- “Between me and you the other people are like, ‘Yo, Mike. Kick him in the head, kick him in the head.’ And between me and you I was like, ‘yo, he’s a nice kid, he’s a nice kid.’ but he doesn’t treat you good and I don’t like it.” The Situation to Snooki. That’s one of my all time favorite Situation quotes. It’s a complete lie that attempts to make him look like a great guy and simultaneously make everyone look terrible. No one wanted Situation to kick Jionni in the head, including Ron, Situation doesn’t think Jionni’s a nice kid, and he definitely likes the fact that Jionni doesn’t treat her good. It’s Classic Situation.
- “So when Nicole was blowing me, right, watching her girlfriend get fucked, right.” The Situation. That was spoken so casually that it might have overtaken The Situation’s previous quote.
- “You’re talking about my best friend giving you head!” JWoww.Re: Mike’s Beejer story.
- “I want you to fuck me.” Snooki to Vinni. After she said this a song came on with these lyrics: “I can feel it, I know it’s coming on/I feel it in my blood, like the rays of the sun.” That’s cool that JS is so culturally significant that an artist will specifically write a song about Vinny’s boner.
I thought that was a very strong episode of Jersey Shore. It had everything: lies, sex, boner talk, underwear flashing, and quotes that allowed for easy Sound Of Music references. What more can you ask for?