After recapping 29 episodes of JERSEY SHORE it’s become clear that I no longer have anything new or interesting to say about the show. That’s why tonight will be different: instead of doing a normal recap I will only list quotes and then decide how each could be incorporated into the title of a lame memoir.
- “Where is the people?” The pizzeria manager.
Where Is The People? : The Mikhail Lazarev Story by Mikhail Lazarev. Lazarev was one half of the Russian duo that discovered Antarctica in the early 19th century. It must have really sucked to be an explorer in the 1800s. To quote Michael Bluth, “Hasn’t everything sort of already been discovered, though by, like Magellan and Cortes.”
- “Everyone of you guys is absolutely out of your mind.” Jionni to Snooki on how she and her roommates are all crazy.
Everyone Of You Guys Is Absolutely Out Of Your Mind: I’m Herschel Walker and I Have Dissociative Identity Disorder by Herschel Walker. Herschel Walker also represented the United States in the 1992 Winter Olympics as a bobsledder. Imagine that! A black bobsledder who also had multiple personality disorder. That’s gotta be like, 5 Billion to 1 odds.
“Does that mean ding-dongs hanging out?” Snooki on whether Riccione had nude beaches.
Does That Mean Ding-Dongs Hanging Out? : Being a New Jersey YMCA Lifeguard in the 1980s by James Vartison. It’s a truth universally acknowledged that old men like to swim and then hang out naked in YMCA locker rooms. Vartison attempts to explain to his son what it was like to see that many old men naked in this powerful and moving memoir.
- “You know what I mean? It’s by ocean.” Snooki on the location of Riccione.
You Know What I Mean? It’s By Ocean: How To Not Find India by Christopher Columbus. Yep, more bad explorer jokes.
- “Oh yeah! The fucking panties!” Pauly D on Deena’s underwear/bikini bottom falling off mid-drunken dance.
Oh Yeah! The Fucking Panties: Reinventing the Underwear Wheel by Roy Raymond. Roy Raymond, according to wikipedia, founded Victoria’s Secret. I’m sure that dude’s a great businessman and rich to be sure, but he’s also got to be a huge, huge creep. Imagine Raymond sitting around some rich guy’s social club:
Rich Guy With Mustache: So, Raymond, how did you make your fortune?
Roy Raymond: Women’s underwear.
RGWM: No, seriously. Real estate? The market? Inheritance?
Roy Raymond: Nope. Women’s underwear.
RGWM: Cool. Umm, do you ever, um, you know, eh, try them on?
Roy Raymond: What the fuck do you think!?
They’d high-five after that.
- “It felt like I was watching a porn for twenty hours.” Sammi on Deena and Snooki’s make out session at the club and in the cab.
It Felt Like I Was Watching A Porn For Twenty Hours: What 8th Grade Sleepovers Were Like For Boys Prior to High Speed Internet by Me. These kids today don’t know how lucky they have it with their fancy computers and super fast internet. In my day, there was like one porno tape per group of eight friends and you had to watch it every time you hung out or the night was considered wasted because you never knew when the next sleepover was going to be or if someone’s mom was going to find it. I’m sure when today’s youth reads my memoir they’ll be shocked in the same way I was shocked when I found out that blacks couldn’t attend certain restraints prior to the civil rights movement or that Journey once was popular.
- “It smells like hot sweat and regret in here.” Vinny upon entering Deena and Snooki’s room the morning after their hook up.
It Smells Like Hot Sweat and Regret in Here: The Hulk Hogan Story by Hulk Hogan. Seriously, I bet that guy wishes he was never born. His wife left him, son’s a criminal, daughter seems kind of skanky and proud of it, and he’s only famous for sweatily jumping on dudes while only wearing underwear.
- “I need a food.” Deena while all hungry in the morning after hooking up with Snooki.
I Need a Food: Being The Child of Kirstie Alley by One of Kirstie Alley’s Kids. You gotta think that lady ate everything in sight…never mind, what am I doing!? First a really cheap, obvious, and dumb Hulk Hogan joke and now this!? If you’re interested, and you aren’t, it’s easy to tell that I’m bored by noticing when I’m unnecessarily caddy. What did Kirstie Alley ever do to me or anyone? Yes, VERONICA”S CLOSET was an abomination and frankly she wasn’t fit to carry Shelly Long’s jock strap, but I still should be above this type of behavior. Apologies.
That’s all I’ve got for this week’s episode. Overall, I thought it was better than the last two weeks. The Snooki/Deena make out/hook up, though in no way arousing, was definitely a welcome change. See you next week.