Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 3

18 08 2011

After last week’s episode we all realized that Sam and Ron would be getting back together. We were scared and thought the season was completely ruined. Sam and Ron had their time, we enjoyed it, but it’s played out. Nothing short of Ronnie throwing Sammie off a 15th century balcony would be surprising at this point. But JS still has some tricks up its sleeve. And by tricks I mean two twins from Florida who’ve taken it upon themselves to hook up with as many cast members as possible.

The Episode

- “I need my shirt.” Brittany to The Situation. She needed to find her shirt after another sleepover with America’s creepiest reality star. I know I really layed into her father last week and I hoped not to mention him again this week, but I can’t. I’ve got to think he calmed down since last Thursday and accepted the fact that young people make mistakes, but then this happens. His daughter causally asks The Situation for her shirt. That means she’s comfortable with him, which in a lot of ways is much, much worse than her having casual sex with him.

- “Brittany is one of the most DTF chicks I ever met and now I’m just exhausted.” The Situation on Brittany’s sluttiness. When it rains it pours, for Mr. Brittany (Brittany’s father).

- “I just feel like they’re meant for each other.” Snooki on how Ron and Sam are meant for each other. Does she not remember all the senseless violence Ronnie inflicted on Sammi’s luggage? Does she not remember Ronnie-Smash?

- “Are we going to explore Italy together?” Ron on him and Sam exploring Italy together. For some reason I don’t see Ron and Sam going to museums together. I feel like they’d go see Michelangelo’s David, which would just result in Ronnie wondering why the sculptor didn’t enhance David’s ‘features.’ Ronnie doesn’t need that kind of aggregation.

- “He actually speaks well English.” Deena on the waiter who she made out with later.

- “Ooh! I feel your wiener.” Snooki on the old Italian dude who runs their gym in Florence. He was wearing a scarf while she felt his wiener. That seems appropriate. Most rapey Italian gym owners wear scarves. I think it’s government mandated like sex offenders having to put up a sign and let their neighbors know they’re perverts. The Italian government makes them wear scarves so the people know what’s up. I’m guessing that Snooki is really regretting never opening Fodor’s now.

- “She said that her twin sister wants to join in the festivities.” The Situation on Brittany’s twin sister wanting a threesome.

Fictional Interlude

- “Time of Death 7:05 Eastern Standard Time. Cause of Death: gun shot wound to the head.” Coroner after examining Mr. Brittany’s dead body. It’s bad enough to know that your daughter slept with The Situation, but finding out that your other daughter, Brittany’s twin, was down for a threesome would force you to blow your brains out. Frankly, I’d lose all respect for Mr. Brittany if he didn’t kill himself after even the slightest hint that his daughters were going to have a threesome with The Situation.

End of Fictional Interlude

- “Twinning!” Pauly D. A nice Charlie Sheen reference. A bit dated now, but it probably wasn’t at the time of filming. Oh, and if you didn’t know, ‘twinning’ referred to The Situation’s possible threesome with Brittany and her twin sister Erica. And yes, referencing Charlie Sheen is now dated. It was dated three months ago. Two months ago it was kind of acceptable to reference ‘duh, winning’ ironically (even though it made you a huge jerk), but now referring to it in any way is lame. Lamer than recapping Jersey Shore episodes.

- “I might as well jump in this fucking cab right now and call Brittany when I get the fuck back.” The Situation. More pain for Mr. Brittany. The Situation treats your daughter(s) like crap and they won’t even really know the whole story until they watch the season, which is right now.

- “You don’t go home. No, you don’t go home.” Deena to her waitress dude who waited until she fell asleep to sneak out in the middle of the night. That was pretty astute of him. He knew better to hang out with the JS bunch. It probably seemed fun at first; the cameras, the free drinks, the sluts. But I imagine that five minutes after he got to the house he knew he needed to get the hell out of there. If only Mr. Brittany was so lucky.

- “I think we have a new stalker and she’s twins.” Pauly. So now Brittany is ‘stalking’ Mike. Another blow for Mr. Brittany. They actually like him!

- Brittany and Eric are the kinds of twins who have to dress alike, too. They both wore really short jean shorts when they came over the house, in the morning, to see Mike, who didn’t even know they were coming.

- “Why are they here right now? It’s day time.” Snooki on how it was weird The Twins were at the house.  I’m sure Mr. Brittany said the same fucking thing when he saw that. For the record, I think Brittany is better looking than Erica.

- “Mike has a secret motive with the twins.” Vinny on how the twins don’t know that Mike planned on having a threesome with them. They know. They definitely know. They’ve watched three seasons of JS. It would be impossible not to know that The Situation planned on a threesome.

- “I’m a completely changed person and I like who I am.” Sammi to Ronnie on how she’s changed. This was their ‘dinner.’ Where they were supposed to talk about any possible future they might have. I think it was wise of Sammi to mention her new breast implants. That’s the kind of change guys usually get behind.

- “Look how romantical that is.” Sammi to Ronnie. Ronnie burped right after she said that.

- “I guess that means Ron and Sam are back together.” Sammi. I’m just glad Mr. Brittany’s already dead.

- “Conservative Ronnie, He’s a wonderful guy!” Vinny in a sing/song voice. This was an odd moment. Vinny and Pauly somehow knew that Ronnie wearing a black v-neck tee shirt meant that Ronnie and Sam were back together. These posts aren’t the place to speculate on the ‘reality’ of JS, but this really stood out. How would they know they were back together? It seems clear that a producer told them they were back together and that they had to come up with something clever ASAP. Or the producer came up and whispered, “Hey, whatever shirt Ron comes out wearing say it’s ‘conservative Ronnie’ and that you know that him and Sam are back together.’ It was just too convenient.

- “Twin sandwich!” The Twins. Ugh, my heart really does go out to their father. Their daughters made a dancing sandwich with The Situation!

- “Hey guys, Deena is making out with the twin right now.” Ronnie on Deena making out with Erica the twin. And they didn’t just pop kiss. They full on made out in the club and in the cab. I’m not even sure how that made Mr. Brittany feel. Uncomfortable for sure, but maybe better than a threesome with The Situation. Or maybe he  hates gays and it’s even worse for him. Either way, Mr. Brittany can’t win.

- “You guys are too nice, god damn!” Erica on how nice Snooki and Deena are for complimenting her ‘good’ looks.

- “What guy code is there between me and Mike? There is no guy code.” Ronnie after telling Sam and JWoww about The Situation claiming that he slept with Snooki. The Situation’s not going to like that.

- “That’s weird, though. She just jumps from bed to bed.” Deena on Erica. It’s hard to believe a daughter could embarrass her father more than Brittany, but I believe Erica has done it. At least Brittany’s monogamous. Erica’s just going after any guido that will have her. Poor, poor, poor Mr. Brittany.

- “He gave all your details.” JWoww to Snooki. She also did this dumb hand gesture that JWoww must have felt represented The Situation saying that he’d had sex with Snooki.

- “Everybody knows The Situation is not a liar…I’ve never lied.” The Situation. ???????

- “You’re fucking psycho!” Snooki. Snooki claims that she hasn’t seen The Situation in two months and I kind of believe her, but I kind of don’t. I kind of don’t care, too. I’m also kind of hungry.

- “This is not me, this is not what I do. I like penis. So I was like whatever. Erica ‘go on, you can go into Vinny’s bed now.’ ” Deena. Erica really comes off pretty bad this episode. Quick recap for Mr. Brittany: Possible threesome with The Situation, made out with Deena, made out with Vinny for no reason, made out with Deena again, made out with Vinny again and possibly did more. I definitely feel like The Twins did not think this whole ‘it will be to fun hang out with reality stars’ thing out all the way through.

- “Oh man.” Erica after getting back into Vinny’s bed. That’s even sadder because it’s clear that she gets that she’s just been passed around like a nerf football by two self-proclaimed guidos.

- “Jionni loves you. He’ll deal with it.” JWoww on how Jionni will forgive Snooki.

The MVP of this episode is clear. Erica, stand up and receive your award. Oh, don’t get upset Brittany. You won last week and anyway you’re receiving this week’s Spirit Award for attempting to facilitate a 3-way with your twin sister and having sex with The Situation, again.


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