Last week two new potential season long arcs were established: The Situation/Snooki and Pauly/Deena. Both are welcome changes from the Ronnie/Sammi garbage pit and it looked like we were going to avoid their issues…or so I thought.
- Deena: Let’s hook up and cuddle.
Pauly: Yeah, I know.
I can’t imagine a man sounding less enthusiastic than Pauly at the proposition of free sex.
- “I definitely think Pauly and Deena are going to smush, but it just comes down to timing; when and where.” Jwoww on Deena and Pauly’s eventual smushing. I found this quote oddly specific. I don’t understand. They go out to get drunk every night and they live together so neither time nor space are relevant. It would definitely be gross, though. Almost as gross as this…- “We could be like friends with benefits.” Deena on how her and Pauly could have sex without committment. It’s obvious that Deena has seen the advertisements for America’s last two great ‘friends who bang’ rom coms (No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits) and it’s equally obvious that she only saw the posters and not the actual films because if she had she’d know that it simply doesn’t work out and that the two attractive people who bang will absolutely fall in love. She should have done her research.
- “Nice windbreaker, bro.” Vinny to Pauly regarding his supposedly lame jacket. I thought it was pretty cool and would like to see him wear it more often.
- “Which one’s shampoo here?” Pauly. A surprisingly dumb comment from Pauly. They usually leave the absurdly dumb quotes for the girls. Maybe they’re trying to avoid sexism so I guess it’s not right for me to mock their progressiveness.
- “The Situation is very good at relationship advice.” The Situation. He said this in a ‘Talking Head’ while he watched over Snooki while she spoke on the phone to her very angry boyfriend Jionni. Standing over a girl while she talks on to the phone to her boyfriend whose in another country is Classic Situation.
- “I just want you to be happy.” The Situation to Snooki while he ‘consoled’ her after a traumatic phone call with Jionni. People only tell people that they want them to be happy if they’re planning on dumping them or stealing them from their current boyfriend/girlfriend. The Situation is obviously planning on getting with Snooki while Jionni is in America and the “I just want you to be happy” routine probably appears to be his best option. I’m sure his theory is “I want to bang this girl and now she thinks I want her to be happy so now she’ll probably bang me.” It’s Classic Situation. Also, after he said this he adjusted his giant crucifix necklace to the center. I’m not sure what that means exactly, but I do know that it’s very significant.
- “looks like a Domino’s version of Italy pizza.” Sammi. I don’t even know what that means. Was she implying that the pizzeria they’re going to work at is some sort of big chain? Was she implying that this pizzeria uses really shitty ingredients? Does she think this pizzeria specializes in deals that only look good on paper, but are actually complete rip-offs? Who knows.
- “I am the pimp daddy mac of this whole place.” Ronnie. He was really, really drunk when he said this. He gets legitimately lame (or to be more accurate ‘lamer’) when he’s really drunk.
- “You don’t know how fun I am.” Brittany to The Situation. Brittany is a pretty cute college student from Florida who had sex with The Situation.
- “Man I love the Jersey Shore. Aren’t these guys a riot? Especially that Situation. He cracks me up. Such a cad! But who would actually sleep with that guy!? What? No, no, no, no, no! Dear God, NOOOOO!” Brittany’s father when he found out that his daughter slept with The Situation.
- “I spent 5000 dollars so you could study abroad in Florence and this happens!” Brittany’s father to Brittany at 11 PM tonight. Now I don’t know what kind of college Brittany attends. Florida is a large state with schools of varying quality, but you must be pretty dumb to sleep with the sleaziest reality star on television while studying abroad. And it’s not like her face was blurred. They could have changed her name, but she signed the wavers; she knew she was going to be on JS.
- “All right, all right I’ve calmed down. You’re my daughter and I love you, but did you really have to go back and sleep with him again the next night?” Brittany’s father to Brittany. Frankly, I don’t see any way this girl’s life is not completely ruined. No normal guy will ever date her. How could they? She slept with The Situation. Even if they don’t watch the show one of their guy friends will point out the fact to him as quickly as possible. “Eh, James. You know that girl Brittany you like? Well, eh, she, eh, banged The Situation. Yeah, that’s right. That guy on MTV who lifts up his shirt and shows his abs.” Also, what if she cheated on her college boyfriend with The Situation!? She calls him the next day and is like, “David. Hey. Yeah, I heard we got upset in the NCAA tournament, but that’s not why I’m calling. Do you know the reality show JERSEY SHORE? Okay, good. Well last night I kind of made a mistake. A big mistake. I slept with The Situation.” That would be awful. That dude would have to transfer. It’s not like she was in Italy and slept with Leonardo DiCaprio. A guy could live with that. He’d probably throw away his The Departed and The Beach dvds, but he could survive. He lost to the more attractive, richer, and most likely better man. No man could live with any girl he ever liked banging The Situation. Anyway, I don’t see how Britanny’s life is remotely the same ever again. Everyone will know and everyone who sees her will whisper, “That’s the girl who banged The Situation.”
End of Fictional Interlude
- “I can do better, I know.” The Situation to Snooki on how he can do better than Brittany. If you don’t remember Brittany she is the Florida college student I just ranted about. Oh boy. This must make Brittany and Mr. Brittany feel great. She sleeps with The Situation and then he goes on TV and says that he can do better. The gang at the country club is going to have fun with that, Mr. Brittany. And I feel even worse for the actual Brittany. She’s probably told all her close friends by now and they’re cool with it, but then they see this? And she most likely told them something like “Oh, it was fun. He’s actually a pretty nice and down to earth guy, but it’s not like either of us were serious about each other. Just a fling. And frankly, he wasn’t even that cute. I just did it twice because I was drunk and he was on TV.”
- “I’ve grown to love your personality.” The Situation to Snooki. Now that’s Classic Situation. The only thing Situation loves is The Situation. He certainly doesn’t love any girl’s personality.
- “I love Rome, I mean Italy.” Snooki.
- “I miss you…I love you…I miss you.” Sammi. It’s not looking good, folks.
- “Fuck me in the ass with a spiked bat. I’d rather not do that.” Ronnie on getting back together with Sammi. I’m 100% with Ron on this one. None of us want that.
Well that was the 2nd episode. Sorry if I was a little hard on Brittany, but I needed to let off some steam after realizing that this season was going to devolve back into Sammi/Ronnie yelling, will they won’t they, and more yelling. In my heart I knew it was going to happen, but I didn’t want to believe it. I’ll leave you with a John Mayer song in honor of Brittany and Mr. Brittany that I think is really creepy. I know what he was doing, I get it, but it’s still a really creepy song.