Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 1

4 08 2011

When I first heard the news I was not surprised. Sending the cast of the JERSEY SHORE abroad seemed natural as they’d already achieved so much in America. Though I don’t know much about Italy, I believe that the JS cast has little to nothing in common with the nation’s past, present, or future. Situation, Snooki, and company are to the Italian people as Subway’s Italian BMT is to a home-made meal cooked by a devout and stout Roman grandmother. They are a pale (though obviously not literally), completely distorted vision of the old country. But none of that actually matters. The JS cast has nothing in common with the people of New Jersey either. I’m sure folks in the Garden State were much more comfortable being stereotyped as mobsters (Tony Soprano), morons only interested in sci-fi, comic books, and masturbation (every Kevin Smith movie), or uber-grating neurotic 20 somethings who revel in their own realization that love is the most important thing in the world (Zach Braff’s Garden State). You could put them in Columbus, Ohio and the show would yield similar results with the only exception being increased NCAA infractions for the Ohio St. football program (topical!). It doesn’t matter where the JS crew is because in the end they are who we thought they were.

The Episode

- It’s the fourth season and they still have the same opening credit sequence. I only mention this so I can mention something else for the seventh time: JWoww has yet to participate in any sort of post-coital decapitation.

- “international panty raid.” Pauly on his Italian expectations. I think International Panty Raid would be a great band name. I just hope it hasn’t already been taken by an all girl Poison cover band. Also, ‘panty raid‘ has its own wikipedia entry, which is shockingly long. What kind of person takes time out of their day to add to the ‘history’ section of the ‘panty raid’ wikipedia page? I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

- “I’m so much more better looking.” Vinny on his non-beard ‘beard.’

- Snooki’s dating a guy named Jioni. He seems normal. Much better than Emilio or that guy in the UNC hat from season 1.

- JWoww: I just want to make sure I stay this way in Italy.

Tom (her boyfriend): Me too.

It’s clear that JWoww has lost some weight. It’s also clear that she’s had a face lift. I suppose her face could look a lot tighter because of weight loss, but I seriously doubt it. She’s already had breast implants and has a crucifix belly button ring. Why stop there?

Italy's going to be great. Like face lifts.

- “I feel like so much better about things.” Sammi regarding her situation or, to be more exact, her non-situation with Ronnie. Let’s hope this is true because 4 seasons of Sammi/Ronnie will they, won’t they would be unbearable. It would make recapping JS episodes that much more depressing.

- “Lift up their arms, if they got hair you’re good to go.” Uncle Nino. God bless that man. I hope they give him a spin-off at some point. It could be called UNCLE NINO DOES ANYTHING and it could be about him doing anything.

- “Blast in the glass, bitches.” Deena. Yeah, she’s still saying that.

- “I feel the Italian ground for the first time.” Vinny on feeling the airport runway after they got off the plane in Italy. It’s going to be quite a scene when he finds out that all airport runways feel the same.

- “We have a jacuzzi inside the house.” The Situation. Their house is admittedly awesome. I’m a little worried about the artwork, though. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m worried that some old, painted Italian lady is going to come down with crabs or herpes…or both.

- “Yo, we got that fucking thing that cleans your ass and shit.” Vinny on the bidet. It’s unclear whether he meant that it ‘cleans your ass and shit’ (shit meaning ‘stuff’) or it ‘cleans your ass and shit.’

- “A bidet is very European. It’s a way of cleaning your butt hole.” Vinny. We have our answer.

- “The only thing I see changed is that she got bigger boobs.” Pauly on Sammi’s new found chesty-ness. I don’t know much about braziers, but I suppose it’s possible that she didn’t get implants and that she’s using some sort of special feminine undergarment (It’s also possible that I’m wrong about JWoww’s face lift). One thing I do know is that it’s more fun to say that she did get implants. Everyone listen up! Sammi got breast implants before they went to Italy.

- “My heart is racing and I smell like King Kong’s ass-hole.” Snooki on smelling bad. It was also the second reference to King Kong in the episode. Pauly referenced him earlier. This seemed odd. Is the cast being paid to promote Peter Jackson’s 2005 film? Also, did you know that Coach Taylor from FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS was in King Kong? He didn’t play Coach, though. So he never gave King Kong a meaningful look and said, “I believe you in King Kong. I believe you in as a football player and as a man.”

- Snooki: We should get fake boobs together.

Sammi: I want to.

I’m going with Pauly and decided that Sammi was lying to Snooki. And maybe Snooki was trying to catch Sammi in a lie. I mean, Snooki has been exercising more and a healthy body makes a healthy mind.

- “That was the best day of my life! That was the best day of my life! That was the best day of my life!” Pauly on Ronnie sitting on a tiny chair or a tiny table and breaking it being the best day of his life. That five second moment being the best day of Pauly’s life was surprising because he seems to have a pretty good life.

- “He looks like a metro.” Sammi derogatorily referring to a guy Deena thought was hot as a ‘metro.’ Aren’t all the guys in Sammi’s life ‘metro?’ It seems like the pot just called the kettle the n-word.

- “What if he asked you a romantic date?” Snooki to Sammi on if she’d go out with Ronnie if he wined and dined her. Two seconds after that Ronnie made a fart sound with his mouth.

- “Who flies that close?” Deena on the pigeons who flew to close to the girls. Deena talks to birds like they’re people.

- “We’re really tight right now and if you say something you’re really going to fuck some shit up.” Situation to Ronnie on how he can’t tell anyone that he hooked up with Snooki while she was dating Jioni and that he also has a thing for Snooki. And the award for Most Obvious Attempt at Foreshadowing a Future Fight goes to The Situation for his heart to heart with Ronnie.

- “We’re going to be a constant positive manly brotherhood.” Vinny on his plans for hanging out with single Ronnie. Constant Positive Manly Brotherhood is another great band name. I’m praying that it’s not already an all girl Metallica cover band.

- “I love Italy.” Deena. Deena and Pauly sucked on each other’s tongues at the club. It was gross. Pauly can certainly do better.

So that was the first episode. No surprises, really. Not spectacular, but they’ve laid the ground work for a healthy JS season. Snooki/Situation should be a welcome change from Ronnie/Sammi. Florence has yet to become a character in the show, but my idiot roommate informs me that Florence has a fairly large English speaking population and that we’ll get to see the actual city when the girls start hooking up with English speaking Italians. Ideally, Florence will be like New York City for Woody Allen with nebbish intellectuals replaced with large tattooed men getting arrested for drunkenly urinating on houses. See you next time.


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