Instead of previewing the actual US Open, CCTT has decided to head straight to someone who sees all the action up close: Dustin Johnson’s Soul Patch.
CCTT: Thanks for talking to us today. I know it must be a real hectic week so we really appreciate you taking the time.
Soul Patch: No problem. I’m rarely interviewed, but I do feel like I have a lot of insight. Fire away.
CCTT: Great. Golfers tend to be superstitious. Are you ever concerned that DJ would consider doing away with you after a string of poor performances?
Soul Patch: I really try not to think that far ahead. Like Dustin, I try to focus on each shot.
CCTT: But you’re a soul patch? You must realize that you’ll eventually have to go at some point.
Soul Patch: Maybe. Maybe not. That’s not important. I’m just focused on the US Open right now and not whether I may or not be shaved off in the near or distant future.
CCTT: That’s a healthy attitude. How often do you get to talk shop with other professional golfer facial hair?
Soul Patch: Not as much as I’d like, but sometimes. I chatted with Hunter Mahan’s mini-chin beard in a practice round the other day and it was nice to catch up with him.
CCTT: Oh, neat. Did you two discuss what it’s like to be considered the facial hair on two of the best American players yet to win a major?
Soul Patch: Eh, not really. Like I said before, I don’t get too caught up in talk like that and neither does Hunter’s mini-chin beard. I guess we leave that up to you in the media (laughs).
CCTT: That makes total sense and I feel like I may be beating a dead horse here, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t ask if you ever had a chance to talk with the brief goatee Tiger sported in 2010?
Soul Patch: I did.
CCTT: Any insight into what’s happened to his game since? Or any juicy details on the women we already knew about?
Soul Patch: Well I know that Tiger’s goatee did everything he could to help Tiger focus on his game, but it’s just not that easy when your personal life becomes that open to the public. And Tiger and Tiger’s goatee were more interested in trying to maintain a close relationship with Tiger’s children at that point. And as far as the women were concerned, Tiger’s goatee wouldn’t have any insight into them. Once facial hair is gone, it’s gone. It’s not like those same strands of hair grow back so each time it’s regrown it’s a completely new thing that doesn’t know what happened before.
CCTT: Oh! Yeah, I’m sorry. I wasn’t even thinking along those lines.
Soul Patch: No worries. People don’t concern themselves with the finer points of facial hair too often.
CCTT: Well, that’s not necessarily true, and this brings me to my next question, as a Soul Patch, do you ever feel like your made fun by other player’s or other player’s facial hair?
Soul Patch: Made fun of? People love soul patches.
Soul Patch: Well what? Out with it.
CCTT: People, uh, kind of associate them with, um, really lame alt-rock musicians, guys who that hang out at Hooters that legitimately think they have a shot with the waitresses, and Apollo Ono.
Soul Patch: So by this logic someone like Billy Ray Cyrus is lame? Or Bruce Springsteen? And by the way, Apollo Ono won Dancing With The Fucking Stars.
CCTT: Bruce is just Bruce and his body of work means that he can do whatever he wants. And Apollo’s a great skater so he can also do whatever he wants in terms of facial hair, but Billy Ray is definitely lame.
Soul Patch: Wow. Just wow. And I guess Dustin’s college buddy Randy who hangs out at Hooters a lot is some sort of D-bag?
CCTT: Does he think the waitresses are into him?
Soul Patch: He only thinks that because they are! You should hear the stories this guy tells. He gets it on the reg!
CCTT: Well how do you know that? He could just be making that up. Has Randy’s soul patch ever mentioned anything to you privately?
Soul Patch: Well, umm, he doesn’t have to because Randy’s always talking about it and telling these wild stories. Like this one time when Randy had this threesome with two of the girls who ended up being in the Hooters calendar and the girls both wanted to date him, but he was all like, ‘Nah, can’t tame the Rand-man.”
CCTT: That sounds made up. A threesome with the hottest Hooters girls in the country and they both wanted to date him? He referred to himself as “The Rand-Man?” Think about that for a second.
Soul Patch: This interviews over.
Thanks again to DJ’s Soul Patch. CCTT wishes them both good luck at this week’s US Open.