The NFL lockout appears imminent, but there’s one question that remains unanswered: What about Hard Knocks? What am I supposed to do on Wednesday nights in August? Regular season baseball? I’d rather be dead. Correspond with siblings and other relatives? Good Lord, no. Volunteering? Don’t ask stupid questions. This is why we need to figure out now what Hard Knocks should cover in its upcoming season.
1) NHL Team
Pros: This is the obvious answer for many reasons. It’s a sport that’s 90% as physical as football, their pre-season begins roughly around the same time, and their players tend to have funny foreign accents, which usually make for hilarious television. Also, the same type of mini-camp drama ensues; players getting cut, season ending injuries, and gratuitous amounts of cursing.
Cons: Hockey management seems to be nicer and in better shape than their NFL counterparts, which means that we will be deprived of the glorious juxtaposition of a 5 ft 300 pound man (Bengals Hard Knocks 09) telling a young athlete in the prime of his life that he’s simply not good enough. Hockey players are also paid less and subsequently don’t have the same inflated egos as their NFL counterparts. This means that they’re more self-aware/smarter and don’t do stuff like forget their child’s name (Antonio Cromartie) on national television.
2) Antonio Cromartie: Just Following This Guy Around As He Visits His Many Children
Pros: Hard Knocks: Antonio Cromartie would be great in so many ways. Nine ways to be exact. We’d basically just follow Cromartie as he attempts to visit his nine children, his seven baby mamas, and attempt to maintain a healthy relationship with his current wife. Imagine Liev Schrieber’s VO. “Cromartie rises at six for an early flight to Chicago to see his third youngest son, Jason. Unfortunately for Antonio, he’s bought a Barbie doll as a gift because he thinks he’s visiting his second oldest daughter, Tina. Cromartie’s in for a rude awakening.”
Cons: There’s ony two. One, with cameras around all the time Cromartie would eventually be forced into learning all of his children’s’ names, which could potentially subtract from the show’s humor. Two, the ridiculous amount of bad puns that would come from a show called Hard Knocks that focuses on a player who has knocked up eight different women.
3) A Girls High School Volleyball Team in Southern California With Really Hot Players
Pros: Camel toe.
Cons: Watching a show exclusively about teenage girl camel toe and having to find away to live with yourself for the other 167 hours of the week. Also, the show would be called Hard Knocks: Camel Toe, which would just make matters worse.
4) Rex Ryan and his Wife
Pros: Not to pile up on the Jets, but they are an interesting team and Rex Ryan is very watchable. And we now know that Ryan and his wife are into foot fetish videos, which aren’t in any way arousing to me (I won’t speak for others), but the idea of them attempting a feature-length foot fetish film would make for a good use of Wednesday nights. Hard Knocks: Feet Don’t Fail Me Now would document Mrs. Ryan as she stars in her first 90 minute foot film, Rex Ryan’s reaction to all this, and the weirdo French director who was chosen to make the film. I can totally see Rex Ryan getting really pissed at the French guy and telling the camera that, “This Frog’s about to get laid the fuck out.” Or, in a reversal of circumstances, the director taking a shine to Ryan and after a long, artsy shot of Mrs. Ryan’s feet saying to his crew (in a French accent), “Let’s go get a fucking snack!”
Cons: A lot of feet. A lot of discussions of feet. And possibly Rex Ryan’s feet if he gets bored and jealous of his wife and decides that he wants to be her new co-star thus causing the French director to declare, “Dis was not in de screept!”
5) A JV Football Team in Suburban Raleigh
Pros: Fat kids crying while an overweight sixty year old in HS Football coach shorts (bad camel toe) yells at him. The possibility of seeing High School cheerleaders, though we’d just be dealing with the same problems of shame that we had with the girls volleyball team.
Cons: Lots and lots of running plays.