It’s safe to assume that everyone’s aware that Sarah Palin recently revised history by saying that Paul Revere’s ride was to warn the British and not the colonists. This led to a barrage of sarcastic tweets like ‘Watch out America, Sarah Palin is coming #SarahPalinIsAnIdiot.” It’s easy to make fun of her, but let’s calm down for a second and think. What if she was actually right? That’s why we went to the source…Paul Revere.
CCTT: Thanks for taking the time, Mr. Revere.
P Revere: No problem. Long time listener, first time caller.
CCTT: Was that a sports radio joke?
P Revere: Yep. I listen to a lot of that.
P Revere: I mean, we have a lot of downtime up here. Not a lot going on really. So I listen to a lot of sports talk and watch a ton of reality television.
CCTT: Wow. What are your favorite shows?
P Revere: Umm, what’s that one where the women are spoiled and act all crazy?
CCTT: I think that’s called Every Reality Show On Television.
P Revere: Zing! Good one, man.
P Revere: Actually, I was being sarcastic you moron. It’s sooo original to hate on Reality shows. You sir, are a genius. Fucking disgusting.
CCTT: I’m sorry. Let’s all calm down. Now let’s talk about your ride.
P Revere: Hold on there. People like you are so misguided. We live in a capitalist society. Reality shows are cheap and entertaining. Why don’t you and your smart friends get off the couch and come up with an original idea that’s affordable and fun to watch. Have you considered that?
CCTT: I really am sorry. I get your point. It’s no good to complain and make stupid jokes if you’re not willing to do something about it yourself.
P Revere: I’m sorry, too. It’s not you, really. Do you know Jim Morrison?
CCTT: I don’t know him, but I do know his music.
P Revere: Well he’s always on about how ‘Reality TV isn’t real’ and then he whips his little Jim out and says, “This is real.”
CCTT: Yeah, I can see how that would get annoying. But back to the original —
P Revere: Imagine how many Sexting scandals he’d be involved in now? Good Lord.
CCTT: Yeah, but back to your famous ride–
P Revere: And I don’t even get the whole junk shot pic thing. Do women even like that? I would seriously doubt it unless penises have gotten more attractive since I died. Have they?
CCTT: No. They’re the same. But Mr. Revere —
P Revere: But you guys have all those wiener pills now.
CCTT: Wiener pills?
P Revere: Yeah, all these pills that can make you bigger, faster, and stronger. In my day we would have loved that. You know what I mean?
P Revere: Anyway, you wanted to talk about my career as an engraver.
CCTT: No, we wanted to talk about your ride because of the whole Sarah Palin thing.
P Revere: Sarah Palin? I wouldn’t mind engraving her, if you know what I mean.
CCTT: I get it.
P Revere: 1 if by vag, 2 if by butt.
CCTT: Ugh! Stop that.
P Revere: Can’t handle an anal sex joke there, buddy? I thought that’s what blogs were all about?
CCTT: Not this one, or not for this particular post at least. Please, just answer this one question. Sarah Palin recently said that during your ride you were warning the British and ringing bells. Is this true?
P Revere: She said that? Wow. No, that’s not true. Wow.
CCTT: Neat. And thanks again for talking with us today.
P Revere: Any time.
So that’s that. Paul Revere laid down the law and we learned that he’s a huge creep.